I am going to write more. Correction: I am going to publish more. I have a tendency to randomly pick up my phone, or open my laptop, and just start typing. When I am compelled to do this, I try to type freely and write what comes to mind without stopping to critique or edit myself. I write what I feel as I feel it and I try to let all of my thoughts and questions fill the empty lines. Then I save these posts as drafts, so that I can come back to them when I am not so raw, to edit and to clarify my thoughts before I share them.

My issue is that, once I have recorded those thoughts and allowed myself time to process the emotions associated with them, the post feels wrong; especially when I am expressing a negative opinion about someone or something else.  I then end up with a blog full of drafts, unpublished and abandoned, a dozen posts written, edited, and amended just waiting to be shared. But, I no longer have the raw emotion that made those thoughts feel so vital. It feels odd to post something, having let it sit for so long, but that is why this blog exists. I have to get over my own weird shit and let this blog be what it was meant to be.

So, I am going to keep writing without filter at weird hours of the night and I am going to press “publish” more. My thoughts may not be popular, but this space is mine, and I’m ready to make it more me.

I have periods of contentment and periods of despair. I fear I am falling into the latter. I just… I didn’t realize my situation was more miserable than I thought. I’m kind of stuck in this weird, awful place; like, I’ve been on this path too long to go back, but I don’t have the ability to move forward. I am actually, literally, stuck… stuck in this physical place, in this internal — mental/emotion — place, in this societal place. I can’t improve one thing without first improving another, but these things are dependent of each other, and so I have to find a way to change everything at once. And that is impossible. So I am stuck. I am stuck in my body and in my life. I am stuck in my mind, and as such, stuck in my way of thinking, which is unfortunately partial to negativity. I am tired of being here, but I can’t find a way out.

I try not to make promises I cannot keep, or reach for unattainable things. My new year’s resolutions are simple;  to read more, discover new music, make something, reorganize and/or redecorate, purge — donate or sell things I don’t need or rarely use — get focused, stay focused, make plans, and follow through. I resolve to get better at things I’m good at and forget things that are a waste of time, and to try harder to be healthy; both mentally and physically.

The following are not resolutions, the are plans for the year:

• To catalog all the CDs, books and movies that I own.
• To watch every movie I already own.
• To read every book I already own.
• To catch up on my shows.

I want to spend more time doing things I enjoy, learning new skills, honing skills I already have, and focusing more on being productive, while keeping myself entertained and happy.

Twenty-twelve was an interesting year. We survived the end of days and the near-extinction of Twinkies. We exercised our right to be heard and voted to keep Barack Obama in office. We suffered great losses in violent tragedies and super storms, but we survived and we’re still fighting. New year, new us — or better yet; new year, better us; stay you, but strive to be better. Enjoy the fact that you’re still here, mourn for those who are not, and honor them — and yourself — by living as best as you can. Grab twenty-thirteen by the balls! Read a book, listen to music, see a film, watch a new show, see something live — a play, a musical, a concert — start a garden, visit a gallery, redecorate your room, take a class, help someone… do something! Today is the start of a new year, but it’s not the only day you can choose to change; everyday is an opportunity to do something new, so try, do and enjoy.

All the best. Happy New Year!

New year, new blog, new name. Kidding… same name, new blog. Welcome to Fuck Fitting In a personal blog and a metaphorical toilet for my mental vomit. I am Nicole. I like a lot of things. Mostly, I just watch TV, read books, refresh my Tumblr dashboard, and occasionally I write. This is for when I occasionally write. Enjoy this shit. Or don’t. Whatever. The name is self-explanatory, but if you lack the ability to work out what it means, it means I don’t give a fuck about what people think and I don’t try to fit into any boxes or comfy little categories  I am me. I do what I do. Like it or leave it.